August 7, 2010
‘If you’re not married, you’re single?’
I saw this somewhere once and it’s changed my view of the ‘R’ word forever – I swear. Firstly Let me say that it’s come to my extremely on the ball attention that a lot of people are getting ‘dating’ confused with ‘relationships’. I hate to even use the word ‘relationship’ as it is a noun I only like to use to describe a mutual situation between two or more entities and not the other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ meaning it seems to have adopted. But, for ease and clarity, I may from time to time use it to mean ‘boyfriends and girlfriends I’d like to say that I’m 96% on my way to agreeing with the above statement. You see that one up there that I headed this whole shebang with? It ends in a question mark? (well an inverted comma but let’s not be pedantic) Yes. That one. Now, if you had asked me what my take on it was about 5 years ago, in my youth, I would have stared you down and asked you how you could possibly be so stupid, armed and ready with examples of how people love and cheat and lie and love and lie and cheat and love and hoes and bitches and pricks and cheats. But I’d like to think that I’ve grown up and gathered a significant amount of self-esteem in the last 5 years, because that’s really what it’s all about isn’t it? Self-esteem. Yes. It’s about self-esteem. I believe that these (immature) relationships are a way for people to prove to themselves that they are ‘worthy’ and, because we have been socialised to believe that unless we’re exclusive, we’re inadequate, what better way to do this than find yourself in a relationship. When I hear of 14,15,16 year old children getting themselves into what they think are ‘relationships’ – HECK when I hear of 20, 21 and 22 year old ADULTS getting themselves into what they think are ‘relationships’ I have to wonder how much of this ‘relationship’ is really just a self-esteem/ego boost. Ask most people what the most important aspect of a ‘relationship’ is and they’ll flag up the fact that it’s ‘monogamous’. Then ask them how much of their life they dedicate to this ‘monogomous’ relationship and they’ll more often than not give you an answer that pretty much takes up the format of ‘oh, well I’m studying, starting a career, travelling, shopping, serial pooing’ and ‘I don’t like clingy, I don’t like psycho, It’s imperative that my friends come first’. Relationships are not and never have been part-time. In a real relationship, no one (but maybe your mother and/or father) comes before your partner. You can’t fit your relationship in with whatever else is going on in your life and expect feelings to remain, attention to remain focused on you or your ‘partner’s’ willy not to end up in teh fannyhole of another. And if you do, look around you. Relationships are a bit like puppies. They’re not just for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve or Hannuka. The REAL ones are for life and must be treated with the UTMOST respect. So, what the people above have got themselves into is dating. Dating offers you the luxury of dick, fanny ( or both), fun, laugher, kisses, conversations, cuddles, teddies, chinese, italian, movies with the added bonus of being able to focus on the life that you’re working hard to create for yourself. Once you have accumulated a sufficieent number of dates, sampled them all and (very important this one) furthered yourself in the OTHER important aspects of life, you are happy, fullfilled and have realised that nobody wants to die alone, you pick one of these dates and focus 110% on them. And then some. Because I don’t believe it’s possible to have dreams and attain them whilst in a REAL relationship unless your dreams are exactly the same. So yeah. You then live with them for a bit, you release your social inhibitions and do crazy things together, with each other, all the time, in some cases realise that you’ve made the wrong choice but most of the time decide that they are ‘the one’. Then. You get married. Now before we proceed, I don’t in any way, shape or form believe that this is a must. I believe that when you’re with the right person and both of you are giving each other your all, it’s as good as marriage anyway. But, obviously for financial security, marriage is not a bad idea. I believe that only married couples have the right to truly speculate being ‘cheated on’. Only married couples know what it’s like to give someone all of you, often putting other IMPORTANT aspects of their lives on hold, giving up on dreams…that sort of thing, to be able to say they’ve been ‘cheated’. I don’t believe someone can ‘cheat’ you out of something you were doing with or without them anyway, which is the case for most people who think that what they have is a ‘relationship.’ So many people are involved with people and automatically expect them to be faithful, without ever having communicated that this is actually what they would like from their ‘partners’. And, with this being said I believe that your need to be in a monogamous relationship should NEVER need to be expressed anyway, because if your partner (obviously I’m speaking for mature, level-headed and compassionate humans) sees that you’re giving all you can give and is happy with you and truly loves and respects you, there should be no need for him/her to look elsewhere. And if you, yourself possess the all-important ‘self-esteem’ and KNOW that you’re all your partner could ever wish/ask for, you shouldn’t reeeallly need to question whether or not he/she is being unfaithful. (Again, in most mature, level-headed and compassionate settings.) So, in a Kayla-encrusted nutshell, that’s my answer. Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
‘ Yeah. Anyway, let me just begin.If you’re not married – you are indeed single.
August 8, 2010
I wanna…
I wanna go to Paris in the cold, cold winter and stand still in the middle of everything…
I wanna travel to Antarctica breathe in the cold, crisp air and just watch it float as I exhale…
I wanna ride an Elephant, no saddle, no straps, just me and him….
I wanna sit in the middle of a desert, just sit and think…
I wanna walk through the West End of London in the still of the night…
I wanna grab a rowing boat and just sail through dark, calm waters with nothing but the moon in sight….
I wanna climb to the highest peak in the WORLD and just sit and stare…
I wanna touch the bottom of the Ocean…
I wanna walk bare-foot on the moon…
I just wanna.
August 9, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes, I’m so high on my feminism, so high on my independence that I forget my need to be loved - and then it hits me. I need a cuddle just like every other woman does, I need to be told I’m beautiful, I need to know someone cares. I miss love and everything that comes with it but I know I’m not ready to endure what it brings any time soon. I’m still on the journey to 100% loving myself and will not let anybody cause delays to my time plan this time.
August 10, 2010
Time To Grow
I wrote this a while back and haven’t necessarily stuck to everything. I still have a lot of growing to do.
I’ve had what people refer to as ‘writers’ block’ for quite some time now – 4 months to be precise. Today, however, I realise that I am not suffering from writers’ block at all – my mind is blocked. I’ve been unhappy for a number of years and recently, I’ve slowly begun to realise and identify the source of my unhappiness and now that I have been able to do this, I am able and most importantly willing to rid myself of my unhappiness. For unhappiness is a state of mind and noboody is responsible for the condition and content of my mind but me. I am already noticing changes. I found that incredibly easy to write. I have not been able to string a paragraph together for months, because my mind has been blocked. So what did I use to begin the unblocking process? Through self-evaluation and hours upon hours of ponering, I’ve come to realise these key (negative) attributes about myself, and have made the decision to share them with you. It was not easy, but now that I have identified and chosen to disregard them, I am more than happy to wear the fact that I have the courage to openly evaluate myself with pride, and who knows, someone may benefit from what I am sharing. The very first one is this: For quite some time, my main focus has not been making myself feel happy and secure, but looking to others to make me feel happy and secure. I’ve gone about this by making it my duty to prove my worth to those around me. When I feared that someone had a negative perception of me (which is always the case), I made it my duty tp prove them wrong. Proving people’s misconceptions of me to be wrong had consumed me, it had become my way of life – this is wrong. I recently read a passage from the book ‘Acts of Faith’ by Ivanla Vazant, that says that “so much of our time, energy and attention is wasted trying to convince other people how wrong they are about us…we spend so much time trying to show them who we are not, we lose sight of who we really are. It’s not our responsibility to prove to people who we are. Our job and responsibility is to “be”. What you do is proof of who you are; manifestation is realization. People have a right to think whatever they choose to think. Just because they think it does not make it right” In a nutshell, this has helped me to identify where exactly I’ve been going wrong and everytime I feel threatened, worried, insignificant , insecure or misunderstood, I will turn to this page for the truth – because the truth is all that matters. In order to aid me with imporving myself and for me to feel that I may be playing a small part in improving the quality of life of those around me (not suggesting you need it loool) I have decided to document the key stages of my journey and will use this blog to do so Finally, Someone will always dislike who you are, what you do or what you stand for. Logicially, there are far too many people alive and breathing for things to go otherwise. There is no pleasing everybody. Try to do so and lose yourself in the process. The first change I have decided to make is a small but very personally significant one. I have over 200 Facebook profile pictures. Why? Because I feel I must prove to people that I am ‘physically worthy’. I spent much of my life unhappy with my appearance and to this day, admit that I am still not 100% comfotable in my own skin. My body is my temple and will be my home for the rest of my life. Self-satisfaction and self-acceptance on this level is therefore essential. I will delete every single photo and leave two. Because the purpose of profile pictures is for people to be able to easily identify you right? Not to prove and convince that you are attractive from 175 different angles. Having 200 pictures of myself is pointless. 200 pictures of the same face – just different angles. Pointless. It’s not my responsibility to prove to people that I meet their physical standards. If , for any reason beyond my control, I don’t, so be it. There’s nothing in this world I can do about it – therefore it is not worth my valuable time.
August 16, 2010
My Happy Ending.
Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending do they?
Like, the guy doesn’t ALWAYS get the girl…and the Princess doesn’t ALWAYS defeat the evil witch. She doesn’t, does she? But it’s okay, isn’t it? It’s okay because whilst not everything in life turns out to be the fairytale you THOUGHT had begun, whilst everything in life doesn’t just end well, just like that, we still carry on with the will to live because life is about creating your own fairytale and watching it play out, right in front of you, before your very eyes. We take all of the bad endings and use them to create that one ultimate, fool-proof ending.
That’s the one that counts.
August 18, 2010
A good friend of mine just brought to my attention how much I complicate things. Everything. I’m scared of life being stationary. I’m scared of everything standing still. If things aren’t constantly moving, improving and changing, I panic. I panic and I force them to move. I need to learn to appreciate what I have and appreciate what is present. I spend so long concentrating on perfecting things, I rarely notice the beauty of what’s already in front of me. I’m never satisfied. It’s frustrating because I don’t know what it is I’m actually searching for. This leads me to believe that I’ll never be happy.
November 24, 2010
From Another Galaxy
Think of a book as a chapter. It may be comprised of ten chapters, eleven.. maybe even 34, but, ignore all of that, take that all as decoration: it’s just a chapter. Think of it as a chapter, a tiny snippet, a quick glimpse of a wider world. A snapshot. The world you’ve just submersed yourself in, the glimmer of the rich, expansive world that the author has granted you access to, existed long before the very first page, and will continue to exist, for eternity, long after you have turned the very last. The beginning is secretly, not at all, the beginning. The characters have just taken time out of their schedules to notice you,the new-comer, and come over to introduce themselves; such as in the end. The end is never the end. The characters have fed you their chapter, their story, and given you a glimpse of what you needed to see. They’re now ready to continue living their lives, in a world, their world, the world compressed by two, hard covers and tucked neatly into a space on your shelf, among other worlds: a galaxy.
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December 15, 2010
Courage
Courage? I don’t believe it is the art in dealing with and protecting yourself from heartbreak each time you give your heart to someone new. I don’t believe that that’s how it works at all. I believe that true courage comes from knowing that there’s no ‘training’ and no ‘practice’ when it comes to love. I believe that true courage comes from realising that each time you fall, you’re as open, as exposed, as vulnerable as the last. You’re ahead of no one, not even yourself, as it’s not a game. There’s no ‘getting better at it’, no prevention, not even a ‘getting better at getting over it’. There’s no learning to keep your heart safe. Every time ou fall, you’re just as open and just as vulnerable as the last. True courage is learning to see past this, no matter who failed to catch you, who dropped you and let you shatter, who left you in pieces, all those times before.
December 17, 2010
Here I am, December 17th, and since summer, I’ve tumbled from my comfort zone, which, must I add, I did an extremely good job of creating; wavered and veered ever so slightly off track. I’ve spent a good number of days, dare I be brave enough to admit to myself, maybe weeks, moping around, feeling guilty for not dong what I should be doing, not doing what I want to be doing (but trying to disguise it as not being able to do what I want to be doing (I’m not sure parentheses embedded in parentheses are allowed and I’m not sure I care but let me breech this could-be rule to add that my journal smells of forest) but, yes….trying to disguise my sullen mood as not being able to do what I want to be doing, because this means I actually, maybe have a valid reason for feeling ridiculously sorry for myself and perhaps get you to feel a bit sorry for me too, so, could you?) Gosh, what an awfully long sentence; your answer is no, isn’t it? I tried.
Anyway, in the hopes of lifting my spirits and celebrating the fact that today, I handed in my 3,664 word Philosophy essay, thus am deserving of the rest of the evening to myself, I am in bed, with a book, which I hope will eventually turn into bookS, like a book whore. I haven’t done this properly in a while and I think this is some of what has contributed to unsettling my soul.
See, I’m about 6/8ths (disclaimer: I know that’s probably how you don’t type it, but I also know that some people PROBABLY won’t read it as a fraction) of the way to convincing myself that reading in the right mood and conditions (silence doesn’t even have to be one of them for me) is form of meditation. It is the separation of mind and body – the mind fixated on one thing, processing, receiving one thing only. When I’m reading and have reached this meditative state, my heartbeat slows and I relax, sink into my body, calm and still. I’m almost certain, at times, that my mind semi-detatches itself from my body and my body is at rest, asleep: calm and serene.
Of course this does not and cannot last forever; so, after a period of time, my interfering and ever racing thoughts retun , those bastards, and my heart kick-starts. I need to write. So, here I am writing.
I’m aiming to finish this book, which, may I add, is Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Eat, pray, Love’ (for those of you that are familiar with it, I’m a little bit past the reunion with the guru in Indonesia, so, I think it’s do-able), write some more of my novel and start George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’, by the end of tonight (4am).
Wish me luck?
January 3, 2011
A Picture Paints 1000 Words
I found this picture on Tumblr a few days ago and decided to use it as the basis of trying something new. I instantly wanted to describe what was going on with it. Bare with me, these are my loosest thoughts.
This picture really and truly paints 1000 words. Maybe a little more. I’d like to pick it apart. I’d like to first draw attention to the fact that the man, he is naked, bare-bodied, revealing all. Corageous. In contrast, the woman? She is clothed, covered. Oppressed: The 21st Century Woman. Or is she clothed voluntarily, out of pure respect for him? Admirable humilty. The garments could represent his hold on her? Possession.
He has he held, noticeably highly. Strength. Protection. His back to the world, he is independent, a shelter; her shelter. Her guard. He has her lifted. He will carry her: physically, emotionally, he carries her pain. Notice how he shields her most vulnerable parts.
She rests his head on her shoulder. Nurturing. Maternal. Unlike him, she reveals her face to the world. She is vain. Feminine vanity. But her vanity is limited, she sees only him, as she is not staring into me, nor you. As one would with a mirror, she is not even staring into herself. She can see him and only him.
They are a couple and their bond is strong. unbreakable.
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January 5, 2011
I’m at a weird place in my life right now. I’ve got one foot placed firmly, pointing in the direction I’d like to go in, pointing to where I’d like to be. I have yet to lift the other foot and take a stride. It’s lingering, procrastinating, but it knows EXACTLY where it needs to be. My emotions are all over the place right now. In general, I would say I’m content. Not yet entirely happy and definitely not at peace, but I’ve caught hold of contentment and it’s never let me come up this close before.
There are times where I want nothing more but to sit and cry. Not because I’m sad, I spent a number of years in sadness, but because I feel alive. Something like when Pinocchio checks, touches, feels his body because he knows that he is now a boy. He is awake and brought to the attention of the fact that he is a boy; I am awake and it has been brought to my attention that I am alive.
I feel like I am actually going somewhere, and I definitely have some goals now, both long-term and short-term. I’ve never, ever had a short-term goal. Never been able to fix a long-term because I’ve never actually been about to decide what exactly it is that I want to do. Always at conflict with myself. I know what I want to do now: I want to write. Now that I know what it feels like to have unbridled, unwavering, intense, undiluted passion for a thing; to feel safe and completely secure in that thing; to have something, that thing, set you free, show you how utterly beautiful it is to be alive in any given moment - I know what love is. I am in love with literature: literature, I love you.
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February 22, 2011
Simplicity
I wish people would stop telling people to grow up. To stop blind-firing the words ‘act more mature’. I wish people would stop telling other people to grow up because they think that complexity equals maturity. That a person/thing which appears to be so complex that it has been catapulted into ambiguity, is the pinnacle of maturity. It isn’t. Simplicity will always rule. Enlightenment stems from simplification.
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Spilt Ink (Loose Thoughts)
A paragraph of writing should be like spilt ink. The first sentence, you knock over the pot, it thuds on impact. Leaves a mental and acoustic image. Ink begins trickle over the rim, creep slowly across the paper and form the sentences that follow. Consistency begins to pick up and the ink, now runaway, unstoppable, solid, forms the meat of the paragraph. By now you have the reader’s full attention. Losing velocity, the ink stops and collects in a pool. Soaks the paper, maybe even thins it a bit. Your words leave an imprint in the reader’s mind.
